nonresident alien

I’m afraid of states that being with the letter A. They creep me out, they give me the heebeegeebee’s and frankly I think I’m going to avoid them altogether.

Why? Well, let me explain:

Alaska:

Two words, one person: Sarah Palin. Even saying the name gives me the shudders. If her cheesy jokes and contrived persona weren’t enough, she’s admitted to jumping the border and using the Canadian health care system for free. NOT cool, we pay a lot of taxes for that freeby – I think we should send her a bill.

Image from this guy.

Arizona:

The hate people. As a non-resident alien in the US I can’t help but wonder what it would be like to live in Arizona. And the more I think about it, the worse it gets. You see, the chances that I’d get stopped and asked for my immigration papers is next to nothing. Why? Because I don’t look like an immigrant. And let’s be honest,  it’s because I’m a white female with no decipherable accent – at least until you ask me to say things like Z(ed) and about. So what about everyone else? Not just legal immigrants, but natural born US citizens that may “appear” illegal and get stopped. I can see this policy getting out of hand and become what I call the “Arizona witch hunt for outsiders” I’m afraid of Arizona.

Alabama:

I’m afraid of Alabama for one simple reason – this guy.

He scares the daylights out of me. Not only does his horse give you the evil eye, but he randomly produces a shot gun, and he says things like “dummy” and “give a rip”. Maybe it’s that I don’t understand the concept of the right to carry guns, but what does a shot gun have to with the politics of agriculture? Is he going to shoot at crops that aren’t doing well? Run little stock of wheat, he’s after you. And what is the point of the horse? If you disagree with him, is he going to send his horse to intimidate you with that stink eye? I’m officially afraid of all horses from Alabama.

Oh and since he is concerned that “illegals are being bussed in by the thousands” to work on farms, I offer him THIS by the United Farm Workers. And please don’t forget to pay close attention to the warning marked by the Astrix under the sign up button.

Arkansas:

Okay so I’m not really scared of Arkansas – just confused. It’s pronounced RKansaw but it’s spelt RKansas. Confused.

Connor found this novel link that assesses you’re writing, and tells you who are most analogues to.

So I tried it. And in the spirit of the experiment I tested my personal writing and my academic writing. I apparently have a personality disorder like none other.

When it comes to my blogging/personal writing, I am most similar to Douglas Adam. This makes sense, because anyone who can think up the greatness that is “The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy” must be as genius as I am!

Here’s the link for that: HERE

The most disturbing discovery was that my academic writing most closely resembles that of the one and only Stephen King. Ha. Awesome. I wonder what the psych majors would think of this little experiment?

Here’s the link for that: HERE

I’ve been told, by many people, that my fear of cats is simply irrational.

Ya um, NO IT’S NOT.

Most people look at the little balls of fur and think, oh their harmless, and cute and they chase yarn balls. Is that the criteria to determine crazy? Seriously people, think about it. There is nothing cute or awesome about a creature that hides in the dark, lurks around the house and has an attitude problem.

If you don’t believe me, I have illustrated proof on why you’re cat is actually trying to kill you:

Click HERE

Go on. Read it. And then tell me you still think I’m crazy.

You may have noticed that there is this little moving picture on the bottom left side of the blog. This, is made possible by Robo.to. A fun little application that lets you take little snippets of yourself and express your feelings. It’s like Twitter but with pictures and far less rules.

My goal is to make a new clip everyday for a year. I have no idea when in the day I will do this, but as long as I do it before midnight I’ll count it as done.

So why am I doing this? Because it sounds fun and it sounds like a lot less work than most of those other ’365 days’ type lists. So wish me luck and please refrain from judging the state of my appearance – I’m a grad student who lives and works from home – it’s not my fault.

I’m a firm believer in theme songs. There really is no better way to deal with life’s up’s and down’s than to turn on your theme song and dance like a hippie with tourette’s.

At the Turner household, we hold our theme songs near and dear. And that is why I am sharing the 2010 theme song list with you. You can judge, I don’t care. Because by the end of this post you’re going to be on your iTunes blasting that horrid song you love so much and dancing your ass off.

December 2009: Journey, Don’t Stop Believing.

Now this is an epic song. Not only is it an essential of driving in the prairies, it is also the song that our entire wedding party sang at the top of their lungs while twirling each other around the dance floor.

January 2010: Imogen Heep, Hide and Seek.

This makes sense in context of quitting your job, selling your car, leaving your home, saying good bye to your friends and family and moving your entire life (husband included) to a foreign country all because you got a letter saying: You’ve been accepted, give us your money and soul.

February 2010: The Beatles, Helter Skelter

Really people, you all need to relax. Snow is not going to kill you and the world is not over. Snowmageddon in DC was possibly the funniest thing I have ever witnessed in my entire life. It was like dinner and movie watching people attempt to drive and to shovel their drive ways – lift with the knees people WITH THE KNEES.

March 2010: Korn, Coming Undone

This became MY theme song simply because listening to it makes me feel a little twitchy and wound up. Which I think makes the perfect mix to get motivated to kick some mid-term ass. Oh, and Connor moved here finally and I needed to remind him that we have opposite tastes in music. Just a little perk of being married – annoying your spouse with iTunes and the volume button.

April 2010: Adrian Champion, Bombs Over Baghdad Orchids

There was absolutely no reason for this song. Connor found it. Loved it. And then listened to it relentlessly.

May 2010: OneRepulic, All the Right Moves

Something about this song caught our attention. I think it was that May almost kicked our asses. Massive life decisions, big risks and a little too much unknown. This song helped us remember that it’s all one big carnival ride and our friends and family are the carnies reminding us to buckle in and don’t puke!

June 2010: Jay-Z feat Alicia Keys, Empire State of Mind.

This song was perfect for the start of summer. We’ve never experienced heat like this, crowds like this, and suddenly we experienced the urge to push tourists who stand to the left on escalators. We’re almost badass.

July 2010: Adam Lambert, Whataya Want From Me.

24 hours is all it takes to turn the world on end. The speed that life changes for us is unreal and often nauseating. I had a dream one night and throughout the entire dream sequence, Adam sang this song in the shadows. It seems all to fitting right now.

August 2010: Unknown

But I’ll let you know when we find one.

What you are about to read is a transcript of an actual conversation. The question is real. And all of the answers flashed through my brain. I’ll leave it up to you to decide what option I chose to actually utter as my response:

Lady from Savannah, GA: Is there Christmas in Canada?

Option 1: No.

Option 2: Yes

Option 3: No, Jesus vacationed in Toronto once and hated it so much he took Christmas away from us.

Option 4: Yes. On Christmas Day all the Whos come out of their Who-Igloos and at night we all sit down to eat Who-Pudding and rare Who-Roast Beast.

Shortly after celebrating Canada Day, we found ourselves experiencing something we’ve never experienced before – the 4th of July. In truth, it was a little odd. Here we are, legal illegals, visitors with a front row seat, and I wasn’t sure exactly what to think or how to react.

At first, most people assume I’m American. And then I go and say things like Z (pronounced Zed) and I ask what exactly is in sweet tea. After that the gig is usually up quickly. So now here we are, approaching the most American holiday there is and not exactly sure what the appropriate response would be. Making matters a little more complicated, we had family in town. To them, this was more of a spectator sport than it was a celebration. But since they are always in the mood for a party, they would be up for anything, we just had to figure out what anything would be.

After some discussion, we decided that we would get in the spirit and try to do it right. We searched for the tradition and we searched for the staples of  the 4th of July. What we came up with was: Fireworks, pie, beer and meat.

The fireworks were easy – they were being sold out of a fright container two blocks from our house. At first I thought this was just wrong in so many ways. But we quickly learned that it’s normal. American’s are not afraid to store explosives on street corners. In some countries you can get street meat on every corner, and in others you can buy gun powder arranged in ways that make pretty colours in the sky. After this weekend I can see why it’s illegal in Alberta, and I can also see why it’s so popular on July 4th.

The pie, well, that was easy. I made the best gluten free, dairy free pie July 4th has ever seen. I even decided that it had to be made from cherries, blueberries and a light crust – it’s as close to red, white and blue that I could think of!

The beer, that was also easy. My Dad and Uncle pulled up to the CVS and picked one they have never had before. I’m still trying to get use to this – we can’t even buy cigarettes in grocery stores or pharmacies let alone cases of beer and liter bottles of wine. They continued this trend for the whole weekend – pull up at any random store and buy beer that you’ve never had before. They had zero complaints.

Finally, it was time for the meat. BBQ’ing seems to be a big thing and having more food than anyone can possibly eat also seems to be a trend. So, we did what any person who comes from the land locked north would do – we bought bags full of fresh crab and went to town. Connor isn’t so sure about this, he does NOT like bottom feeders. I keep trying to convince him that we should have pet lobsters but he just doesn’t see how anyone would want to be around scavengers with shells. With this logic I have no idea how he’s okay cheering for the TMNT’s. Oh well, his issue.

In summary, it was cool to experience. And thank you for allowing us to be a part of it. Maybe by this time next year you’ll let us celebrate AND have normal cell phones. Here’s hoping.